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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Kierstin's LiveJournal:

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    Wednesday, October 12th, 2005
    1:12 am
    Wednesday, August 3rd, 2005
    12:52 am
    I know I don't write in here much anymore but it's because I'm really busy a lot of the time. So here's an update on what's been going on in my life:

    First off... I didn't tell all you readers that I had to go to court to testify against my father in a custody battle. That was really hard on me since I haven't seen the man in 3 1/2 years. Well I went in and left the whole situation feeling pretty good about myself and what had happened... That's that.

    Well... Sunday I heard from my stepmom what the results were.... He got custody... "Primary Residence" is what Karen used for terms. I'll be reading the report tomorrow or something like that when she gives me a copy. Even the fucking judge didn't like him and the only reason she fucking did it is because that's where Jessi said she wanted to live... Problem is.... SHE'S FUCKING 10 YEARS OLD!!!!! Legal age to make that kind of decision is 14... They should not have put so much gravity into what she wanted. If you have a grown man's mother, other daughter, sister, and brother saying it's a bad idea because he's manipulative, emotionally and mentally abusive, and even possibly sexually abusive... WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU GRANT HIM CUSTODY OF A LITTLE GIRL?!?!?!?! This makes absolutely no fucking sense what so ever... So I am really scared right now because I know if he has primary residence that I will hardly ever see Jessi, and it's not like I get to see her a lot anyways. The judge made a lot of requirements but I don't think it's going to be a pretty site... I don't like what happened and my mother decides to tell me "trust God. He has a plan"... Yeah... Well I don't fucking like his "plan" I think he's totally fucking over an innocent little girl. I DON'T AGREE!!!!!

    On top of the Jessi situation... I lost $2000 in financial aid that I DESPERATELY needed to keep my head above water. Thanks you UMaine for fucking me in the ass... I really appreciate it... Especially on the same day I find out that I'm possibly losing a sister. You fucking rule.... Especially picking the shittiest times to kick someone when they're down.

    Then after the financial aid thing I was trying to tell my mom but she got really upset because she was already dealing a lot with finances and money really stresses her out a lot. It has the same effect on me. I hate money. Period. Well she chose to make me tell her about the financial aid thing even though she was already stressed about money. Well this resulted in her telling me that we weren't going to talk to financial aid about it and we were just going to suck it up. She instructed me that I was going to give her all of my paychecks from this point forward and she was going to pay my bills and her and allot me $20 a week. Anyone with half a brain can figure out that $20 a week pretty much covers gas. So she's trying to tell me I get to choose between food and being able to get to school. So that pissed me off and we ended that conversation with a quick "I can't talk to you anymore bye" kind of ending. about 30 minutes later or so I get a phone call from my Uncle James, who is purchasing me a iBook for $750 because as a manager of an Apple store he gets one system a year for 1/2 price, well when I pick up the phone to talk to him he informs me that my mother has called him and told him not to buy the computer because I can't pay him for it. By now... I'm pretty much seeing blood red. We end the conversation after I finished bawling my eyes out about how pissed off I was at my mom. I took a few minutes to calm down after I got off the phone and tried to call my granddad who was at my mom's... Unfortunately. So I called the house and my mom picked up and we began to talk and I told her I was really pissed off right now because she had no right to go behind my back and break off a deal that I had made with my uncle. She proceeded to tell me that my financial life was out of control and I was out of control and that I can't afford it and I'm just digging myself into a hole and starting bitching at me.. I responded with a more defensive bitching and subsequently told her that I was beyond pissed off and couldn't talk to her anymore. I beat the crap out of my steering wheel and then drove to my house with Tina to get some stuff for me to sleep there tonight. I got home and was ambushed by IM's so I continued to answer them and put up a new away message while gathering my stuff. My mom comes down to my room closes my door and starts trying to "talk about it". She starts by blaming this whole thing on James telling me he wasn't supposed to call me. I replied with "well at least he called me to let me know what was going on and treated my like and adult" We got into a very long involved fight that I'll spare every detail from you... To sum it up it was a lot of yelling and fighting and I told her that she was being ridiculous and treating me like I was 15 when I am in fact 20 years old. I should not be handing over my hard earned money so that she can give me a fucking allowance every week. I can manage my own money. If she wants to HELP me budget that's great but she's not fucking controlling all of it. No way in hell. Well that brought up more shit and she ended with saying she was just trying to help and blah blah blah the ususal mom bit. Then admits that maybe she is too controlling and overbearing as she's trying to walk out the door and looks at me and I just reply with "well then change it"... I spent most of my night crying and being very pissed off beyond belief.

    To add to my shitty mood, I had left a note in my best friends car to call me because I was about to kill my mother and needed to talk to him. He tried calling after work and I had left my phone in the car and missed the call. No message was left.. Whatever. I tried to track him down and found that instead of going home he went to Ally's. My friend Dave told me this. Well Dave said he would go to Ally's and talk to him and tell him that he should come to Tina's and talk to me. What was his reply?? "I'm tired so I'm not going" THANKS A WHOLE FUCKING LOT ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!! I had several melt downs today and he is tired so he's not going to come over... That wouldn't piss me off nearly as much IF HE WERE AT HIS OWN FUCKING HOUSE BUT INSTEAD HE'S AT FUCKING ALLY'S HOUSE UNTIL 11:00 AT NIGHT WHEN HE'S TOO TIRED TO FUCKING BE THERE FOR ME, ONE OF HIS BEST FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I'm beyond pissed off at all of that shit... I totally blew him off when he finally fucking called me at 11:45 when he had just got home and says "You wanted to talk?" Yea I fucking wanted to talk but you were too fucking tired!! No wait... You were just at Ally's. You were really tired weren't you asshole.... I can't fucking stand being lied to or given a bullshit excuse.... I can't stand it... So him and I are going to be having a very LONG discussion that will become VERY heated on my end on Thursday. I didn't need him to blow me off but I ESPECIALLY didn't need him to bullshit me about blowing me off. I'm pissed. Extremely pissed. So I guess I'll just have to see how tomorrow and Thursday go to see if my week starts to brighten up at all since as of right now... It sucks ass really hard.....

    Current Mood: pissed off
    Thursday, June 30th, 2005
    4:51 pm
    An Apology
    I just wanted to say I'm sorry to all those that I've been short or cranky with lately. I'm dealing with a lot right now and I'm really just... On edge in every sense of the word. I have a court date in a week to testify against my father in his custody battle. I had to meet with DHS workers to rehash EVERYTHING my brother has done and told me about and all that stuff. On top of it I have had a lot of doctor's appointments in order to find out why I've been passing out and having health troubles (again)... So in short. I'm sorry I've been a bitch to certain people that have seen me around and such. It's not you I'm just really not having a good time right now.

    Current Mood: crappy
    Friday, June 3rd, 2005
    2:05 pm
    Your Expression Number is 5
    A total multi-tasker, you have a wide variety of talents.
    You're very versatile and able to change at a drop of a hat.
    A free spirit, you crave change and adventure.

    Clever and quick witted, you can convince anyone of anything.
    You can do anything you desire... though this sometimes gets you in trouble!
    Very popular, you're always thinking up new ways to entertain and amuse your friends.

    Your restless and impatient attitude means you don't stay with projects for long.
    You tend to be erratic and scattered - it's hard for you to focus.
    You often find yourself in a state of flux with constantly changing interests.

    Wednesday, June 1st, 2005
    8:50 pm


    Your Love Style is Storge









    For you, love and friendship are almost the same thing

    And your love tends to be the enduring, long lasting kind

    (You've been known to still have connections with exes)

    But sometimes your love is not the most passionate

    Leap before you look, and you'll find that fire you crave


    Tuesday, May 31st, 2005
    8:58 pm
    *************

    Your wise quote is: "The best
    antiques are old friends" by Unknown...
    Your buds is the source of your happiness
    (maybe not all but still). Even if it's just
    one, a couple or a whole group they are the
    ones you can't wait to see. It does not matter
    if you're shy with everyone else or not, with
    them you let your true spirit shine and can be
    as loud as you want. They accept you, and you
    love them for that.


    What wise quote fits you?(pics) UPDATED
    brought to you by Quizilla
    Saturday, May 14th, 2005
    2:02 pm

    The Keys to Your Heart



    You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

    In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

    You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

    You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

    Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

    Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

    You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

    In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.







    Your Seduction Style: The Natural





    You don't really try to seduce people... it just seems to happen.
    Fun loving and free spirited, you bring out the inner child in people.
    You are spontaneous, sincere, and unpretentious - a hard combo to find!
    People drop their guard around you, and find themselves falling fast.







    You Are 20 Years Old



    20





    Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

    13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

    20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

    30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

    40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.




    HAHAHA Now that's just funny.. I act my age!!!



    KIERSTINMAEGENKNOPF
    K is for Kind
    I is for Ideal
    E is for Energetic
    R is for Radiant
    S is for Sappy
    T is for Tolerant
    I is for Impassioned
    N is for Nerdy
    M is for Marvelous
    A is for Adaptable
    E is for Excellent
    G is for Glittering
    E is for Edgy
    N is for Nervy
    K is for Keen
    N is for Naive
    O is for Orderly
    P is for Posh
    F is for Fabulous







    Your Life Path Number Is 1



    1





    Your Life Path is is characterized by individualist desires, independence, and the need for personal attainment.

    The purpose to be fulfilled on this Life Path is that of becoming independent.

    This is a two part learning process; first, you must learn to stand on your own two feet and learn not to depend on others. After you are indeed free and independent, you must learn to be a leader.



    Many of our generals, corporate leaders, and political leaders are men and women having the Life Path number 1.

    You always have the potential for greatness as a leader, and you may fail as a follower.

    Many 1's spend most of their lives shaking off their dependent side.

    When this happens, there is little time left for enjoying the rewards to be gained through independence.

    You may have to overcome an environment in which it is very easy to be dependent - and difficult to be independent.



    You have an abundance or creative inspiration - and possess the enthusiasm and drive to accomplish a great deal.

    Your drive and potential for action comes directly from the enormous depth of strength you have/

    This includes both the physical and inner varieties of strength.

    With this strength comes utter determination and the capability to lead.

    As a natural leader you have a flair for taking charge of any situation.



    Highly original, you may have talents as an inventor or innovator of some sort.

    In any work that you choose, your independent attitude can show through.

    You have very strong personal needs and desires, and you feel it is always necessary to follow your own convictions.

    You are ambitious, and either understand or must learn the need for aggressive action to promote yourself.

    Although you may hide the fact for social reasons, you are highly self-centered and demand to have your way in most circumstances.



    If you are not fully developed, you may express the negative side of your number.

    That means your demeanor may appear very dependent rather than independent.

    If this is the case, you are likely to be very dissatisfied with your circumstances and long for self-sufficiency.

    On the strong side of this negative curve, the 1 energy can become too self-serving, selfish and egotistical. Over-confidence and impatience are the weak side of your Life Path.




    Current Mood: bored
    Tuesday, May 10th, 2005
    9:39 pm
    So... I dunno... I'm sad right now.. Charlie broke up with me for the summer because he has so much he feels he has to do at home and he can't do long distance relationships (even though he's only like 45 minutes away)... I'm sad because I really like him a lot and want to be with him... But... I'm more sad because he's not taking care of himself and there's nothing I can do... I want to be with him. I want him to be happy. And the fact that he's not kills me more than not being with him. I want him to take care of himself. I like him so much still and I will be here in the fall for him. In the fall we are back together as soon as possible because we both know we want to be together in the fall. He even said that in the fall we'll get back together if I'll still have him. I will. I know he doesn't want me to but I am going to wait for him. Basically because I HIGHLY doubt I'll find someone I want to be with more than him. So I guess I'm fine.... But I'm sad. I'll be ok though. I know we'll be together in the fall.

    Current Mood: sad
    Sunday, May 8th, 2005
    8:36 pm
    Soo.... I'm really happy that classes are done with. I MADE IT!!! WOO HOO!!!! I don't have the 4.0 I wanted but I will be really really close. YAY!!!

    I have a boyfriend... He's AWESOME. He's a complete and utter sweetheart. I like him a lot. He does all kinds of sweet things for me and is really really awesome. I like him a lot. His name is Charles (Charlie) Buteau, he's from Sorrento, ME, he's a theatre major, 19 years old, 6'1"/6'2", long brown hair, brown eyes, glasses... He's not a big boy, but it's very muscular and broad... He's got a big of a beer belly but it's cute. He's a HUGE cuddle bug. I love it. Since I started officially dating him on Monday I have only spent last night in my own bed at my house. I like him a lot. So... I guess that's all for now!
    11:50 am

    You are a Rocker Girl!


    If you don't have musical talent, you've got a talent for picking out great CD's.
    Music rules your life - and you've got the best MP3 collection of anyone you know.
    Many guys find you intimidating, but a select few think you're the catch of a lifetime.
    Start hanging out in more used record stores, and you'll find love with a fellow rocker!




    What Kind of Girl Are You? Take This Quiz :-)




    Find the Love of Your Life
    (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.



    Wednesday, April 20th, 2005
    5:44 pm
    I'm a BLOW JOB!!!
    You're a Blow Job!!
    You're kinky. Whether its bottled up or out in the
    open, you have a lot of sexual energy. People
    are intrigued by you.


    What cocktail are you? (With Pictures!!)
    brought to you by Quizilla


    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *ROTFLMAO* HAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA


    What Icons are for you? by ladyallie
    Username
    Favourite Colour
    Sex
    Your Love icon is...
    Your Sad Icon is...
    Your Happy Icon is...
    Your Angry Icon is...
    Your Food Icon is...
    Your Animal Icon is...
    Your Random Icon is...
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    Your Sexy Icon is...
    Quiz created with MemeGen!
    Monday, April 18th, 2005
    12:35 am
    Wow....
    Uncorrupted
    You are 85% pure




    My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:


    free online dating free online dating
    You scored higher than 74% on purity
    Link: The 100 Point Sexual Purity Test written by ocicat on Ok Cupid
    Sunday, April 17th, 2005
    2:50 am
    Have you ever...

    (x) smoked a cigarette
    ( )smoked a cigar
    ( ) made out with a member of the same sex
    (x) been in love
    (x) been dumped
    (x) shoplifted
    ( ) been fired
    ( ) been in a fist fight
    (x) snuck out of my parent's house
    (x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
    ( ) been arrested
    (x) made out with a stranger
    ( ) gone on a blind date
    (x) lied to a friend
    (x) had a crush on a teacher
    (x) skipped school
    (x) slept with a co-worker
    ( ) seen someone die
    ( ) had a crush on one of your myspace friends
    (x) been to Canada
    (x) been to Mexico
    (x) been on a plane
    ( ) thrown up in a bar
    ( ) (purposely) set a part of myself on fire
    (x) eaten Sushi
    (x) been snowboarding
    ( ) met someone in person from myspace
    ( ) been hxc dancing at a show
    (x) been in an abusive relationship
    (x) taken painkillers [advil?]
    (x) love someone or miss someone right now (miss)
    (x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
    (x) made a snow angel
    (x) had a tea party
    (x) flown a kite
    (x) built a sand castle
    (x) gone puddle jumping
    (x) played dress up
    (x) jumped into a pile of leaves
    (x) gone sledding
    (x) cheated while playing a game
    (X) been lonely
    (x) fallen asleep at work/school
    ( ) used a fake id
    (x) watched the sunset
    (x) felt an earthquake
    (x) touched a snake
    (x) slept beneath the stars
    (x) been tickled
    ( ) been robbed
    (x) been misunderstood
    ( ) pet a reindeer/goat
    (x) won a contest
    (x) run a red light
    ( ) been suspended from school
    (x) been in a car accident
    (x) had braces
    (x) felt like an outcast
    (x) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
    (x) had deja vu
    (x) danced in the moonlight
    (x) hated the way you look
    (x) witnessed a crime
    (x) pole danced
    (x) questioned your heart
    (x) been obsessed with post-it notes
    ( ) squished barefoot through the mud
    (x) been lost
    ( ) been to the opposite side of the country
    (x) swam in the ocean
    (x) felt like dying
    (x) cried yourself to sleep
    (x) played cops and robbers
    (x) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
    (x) sung karaoke
    ( ) paid for a meal with only coins
    (x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
    (x) made prank phone calls
    (x) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
    (x) caught a snowflake on your tongue
    (x) danced in the rain
    (x) written a letter to Santa Claus
    (x) been kissed under a mistletoe
    (x) watched the sunset with someone you care about
    (x) blown bubbles
    ( ) made a bonfire on the beach
    ( ) crashed a party (then became the life of it!)
    (x) gone rollerskating
    (x) had a wish come true
    ( ) humped a monkey
    (x) worn pearls
    ( ) jumped off a bridge
    ( ) screamed penis in class
    ( ) ate dog/cat food
    ( ) told a complete stranger you loved them
    (x) kissed a mirror
    (x) sang in the shower (all the time)
    (x) have a little black dress
    (x) had a dream that you married someone
    (x) glued your hand to something
    (x) got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
    ( ) kissed a fish
    (x) worn the opposite sexes clothes
    (x) been a cheerleader
    (x) sat on a roof top
    (x) screamed at the top of your lungs
    ( ) done a one-handed cartwheel
    (x) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
    (x) stayed up all night
    ( ) didn't take a shower for a week
    ( ) pick and ate an apple right off the tree
    (x) climbed a tree
    ( ) had a tree house
    (x) are scared to watch scary movies alone
    (x) believe in ghosts
    ( ) have more then 30 pairs of shoes
    ( ) worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
    ( ) gone streaking
    ( ) played ding-dong-ditch
    ( ) played chicken
    (x) been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
    (x) been told you're hot by a complete stranger
    (x) broken a bone
    (x) caught a fish then ate it
    (x) caught a butterfly
    (x) laughed so hard you cried
    (x) cried so hard you laughed
    (x) mooned/flashed someone
    (x) had someone moon/flash you
    (x) cheated on a test
    (x) have a Briteny Spears CD
    (x) forgotten someone's name
    (x) slept naked
    (x) French braided someones hair
    ( ) gone skinny dippin in a pool

    Current Mood: chipper
    Wednesday, April 6th, 2005
    11:27 pm
    From Better to Worse....

    I was doing quite a bit better after my last entry.  I had been approached by several members of the singing group I auditioned for and was told that I had the best audition but that my low set voice just was too much bass for their group to handle.  They would have been bottom heavy had I joined.  So I guess I'm ok.  I still kind of think someone in that group hates me and that's why I didn't get in because I was told by some people that it was politics...  but I have come to face the facts that I'm not popular.  I'm not someone that everyone likes..  I'm someone that everyone likes to shit on...  So...  Whatever.  Next time hopefully.

    Well I think that right now I'm having a rough time because I have been overly sensitive to the boyfriend situation.  I'm interested in two guys and really hoping that something develops with one of them because my current "relationship" isn't healthy and will never go anywhere...  I love him and will probably always love him...  But he will never love me back.  I need to get over it and move on...  I'm upset right now because one of my friends really hurt my feelings and I don't think he knows how much it hurt.  I'm sorry I can't tell him to his face but...  He just...  DOESN'T realize how much it hurt.  And I got bitched at today while trying to make light of it but still remain firm that I didn't want the comment repeated or explained to anyone because I'm sorry but... The truth hurts.  And I can't handle it being rubbed in my face.  I think the reason that this comment hurt so much was because of who I felt I was being compared to...  And because I didn't get upset about it when it was said like I wanted to...  I bottled it.  And it festered...  And now I'm upset.  I'm feeling horribly depressed.  I tried not to care...  I tried to let it go but I really felt like I was being compared to one of the most abnoxious, slutty, girls I have ever met. She acts like she's in the 8th grade (not even worthy of high school immaturity levels yet), and I feel like being compared to someone who's slutty, annoying, a liar, (I know this sounds bad but...)and ugly....  Really bugged me.  I know it wasn't meant as that but the comment made me feel like a whore.  That all I was good for was what I was getting.  It really made me feel as if I was undeserving of a relationship and that all I was good for was sex....  I know it wasn't meant that way but that's how it made me feel.  So for the person who said it...  I'm sorry...  I didn't mean to take it that way but that's really how it felt to me...  And I am hurt...  Not by you but by how the truth really made me feel when I finally heard it from someone else...  I don't know what this means for me...  I don't know how I will change anything...  But I am trying.  I am attempting to move on...  I know he's the one person I can never have...  I love him more than I could ever put into words but I know I will never have him...  So my broken heart will mend...  I will move on...  I'm sorry for the drama...  I'm sorry I'm sucha drama queen and that you all are sick of it...  I'll try better to just keep to myself and not talk to my friends in public where people can hear me bitch since it truly bugs them that much...  (when they shouldn't even be listening)...  I'm sorry for pissing his brothers off, and that they all nag him to get a girlfriend because he spends to much time with me... And I guess I'm just a whiney, clingy bitch to them...  But they don't understand that he is my best friend...  I just feel bad for having so many people around me think of me as an annoyance...  I don't try to be that way...  I'm sorry this is just depressing and stupid..  I'm shutting up.



    Current Mood: depressed
    Wednesday, March 30th, 2005
    5:53 pm
    Another shitty week...

    So yeah...  I'm not having an all to good week...  It started great...  Sunday was an absolutely FABULOUS day.  Monday was ok other than tests.  Tuesday is where life went to shit..  I found out I have ulcers forming in my small intestine and that my stomach lining is erroding because my stomach is producing too much stomach acid.  As if that weren't enough my doctor told me I need to lose 30 lbs. because I'm overweight....  That kind of really hurt me.  I'm ultra sensitive to that stuff and I was nervous all of Tuesday as it was because I had Renaissance auditions that night.  They went well and I was happy for about....4 hours...  Then I found out the results...  I was rejected for the third time.  I spent the night crying, I tried to go to classes but people just wanted to talk about it with me becuase they knew how much I had wanted it and how hard I had worked for it.  Well one of my awesome friends, Crystal, came up to talk to me about it and I was barely holding it together and I threw my wallet down and was like "I really dont' want to talk about it!!" well when I threw my wallet I hit her glass bottle and it fell and shattered...  I felt so horrible I just started bawling...  She gave me a big hug and I went to the bathroom.  She came in shortly after and told me I had every right to be upset because I was totally screwed (which I really feel she's right...  I was totally screwed)...  So...  Yeah.  She told me to go home and rest and relax...  I haven't relaxed too much more than I've just..... disconnected my emotions from my body so that I don't have to deal with it.  So I skipped classes and I feel horrible but I couldn't go and listen to everyone congratulate all those girls and then feel like it was being rubbed in my face all day long...  Crystal said I was really strong for even trying to come to school.  I feel like a wuss for leaving, but I know she's right I really shouldn't have been there.


    To top everything off my love life is confusing as all hell...  Sean does little things that make me think he cares for me more than he does...  He really doesn't..  I mean I'm one of his friends...  Nothing more.  I really don't think he'll ever understand how much I love him...  I really do.  I wish I didn't but everytime I start to get over him he does something...  Like give me random kisses while we're hanging out and say "surprise" and then kiss me again.  He'll grab my hand while we're cuddling and hanging out and just hold me hand and hold me tight to him.  It makes me feel like he likes me as more than a friend...  I know it will never happen.  I really just need to get over it but my emotions are so fucked up and messed with that I can't do anything.  It's my fault..  I'm the stupid one that can't move on and get over him.  I'm thinking about applying to work at Disney...  Get the hell out of here for a while.  It's not like anyone will really miss me if I'm gone.  Or maybe I should take a year off and just work and get away from everyone I know and try to make new friends.  I am just so sick of being confused...  I'm so sick of not having my heart anymore.  I want Sean to give it back so that I can just move on and be better.  I don't know... Maybe I just am not meant to have love.  I'm 20 years old and I can't have a relationship that lasts longer than 3 months...  And I'm stubborn becuase I refuse to continue settling for less than what I want.  I just want to have a life.  Right now all I do is exist...  I don't really feel like I'm living.  I'm alive but I'm not living.  Y'know what I mean?  Well I need to go get ready to continue on with life even though it really sucks right now.



    Current Mood: crushed
    Saturday, March 19th, 2005
    1:30 am


    KIERSTINMAEGENKNOPF
    K is for Kinky
    I is for Ideal
    E is for Extreme
    R is for Radiant
    S is for Spunky
    T is for Talented
    I is for Innocent
    N is for Naive
    M is for Mystical
    A is for Artistic
    E is for Entertaining
    G is for Gorgeous
    E is for Emotional
    N is for Neat
    K is for Kinky
    N is for Nerdy
    O is for Outgoing
    P is for Philosophical
    F is for Flexible


    Saturday, March 5th, 2005
    12:10 am
    Stupidity at it's best....
    Well here's another update... I'm going on tour next week.... I hope I have a good time, but I'm nervous about it. I really feel that not many Singers like me and that this may not be the best trip ever... But we're going to Montreal. =)

    Derrick I don't think will work out... I'm starting to realize he's probably too superficial for me... I'm not his type.

    I'm stupid.... Anyone that knows my current situation will concur...

    I miss my friends and my sisters... I hope next week goes by quickly.

    And last but not least... If I don't get healthy soon, I'm gonna shoot someone.
    12:09 am
    Irony.......
    stuf
    You are the Spirit of Love. You think around
    romance and are extremely compassionate.
    Whenever you want something you can get it due
    to your fiery passion. You can make friends
    quite easily, because peopole are attracted to
    your obvious good nature. You will have no
    trouble in finding a life partner and will be
    very happy.


    Which stunning spirit of emotion are you? NEW AND IMPROVED! (amazingly beautiful anime pics!)
    brought to you by Quizilla
    Thursday, February 17th, 2005
    10:20 pm
    So yeah....
    boy has it been a long time..... I have just been SO busy that I hardly ever get time to write on here anymore! I'm taking 9 classes this semester, working, and I am in a sorority (and I hold an exectutive position in the sorority)

    Well here's a breif update I guess... I'm single... I'm looking... (In fact, I'm really interested in a guy I work with named Derrick) I'm in three performing groups.. I'm fighting with the University because they suck ass... And I can't take lessons this semester so I'm feeling the not up to par feeling in reagrds to my voice. I also injured my pointer and middle finger on my right hand and so it's really hard to type, damn near impossible to write, and I have 3 midterms next week..... Shit. I just really hope I didn't break my fingers.. That would really really suck.

    So that's where I stand and I really need to go to sleep now.. I'm SO tired!!!!!

    Current Mood: sleepy
    Sunday, January 2nd, 2005
    10:07 pm
    Long delayed...
    Wow.. It's been forever since I've written in my livejournal. I guess I just got way to busy as many people will agree with. It's been a crazy life for me.
    Jason and I are no more...
    Wayne and I are good friends...
    I've successfully fulfilled my goal to stay single for the first semester.
    I've joined a sorority (Phi Mu.) I love the girls I met there and I am proud to call them my sisters. I can't believe how amazingly good this has been for me being in this sorority. The support and friendships I've gained I am forever grateful for. I LOVE YOU GIRLS!!!
    As for the rest of my life... I've been ok. Well... There's really not much else for me to say. I'm not very talkative tonight... :)

    Current Mood: content
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